doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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