So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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