franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I'm bleeding and have questions
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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