are you so shy because you have an std?
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Randomize
