hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
