well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
