Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
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