New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
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