I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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