I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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