"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize