tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
