Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
