he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize