You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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