smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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