Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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