i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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