you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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