she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
