I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
