I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
We have started to decorate penises.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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