im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
