Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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