i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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