i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
