Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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