Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
