dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Randomize
