I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
