in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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