mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
