remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
