There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
