like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
