my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
