The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
