I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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