I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
