Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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