we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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