so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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