i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize