"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
