his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
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