u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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