Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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