She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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