So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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