i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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