I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
