You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
