Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Alive.
So much puke
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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