Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
