Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
