i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Randomize
