addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
