I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
i think my cat just said my name.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
