i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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