who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
