u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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