You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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