He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
