I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
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