Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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