guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
