I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
