Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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