My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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